


breathless

by regionals



Category: Halsey (Musician), Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Bilingual Character(s), Depression, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Stuttering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 12:04:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 41
Words: 14,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8285228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/regionals/pseuds/regionals
Summary: the boy with the stutter and the boy from lebanon fall in love.short chapters, lowercase intended.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm importing this from wattpad basically lmao im gonna work on posting it throughout the night.

you work at a book store.

there's this guy.

every morning, you get a glimpse of him finishing off a cigarette while his coffee cools in front of the store, before he walks in. usually he picks a book, then hides behind one of the shelves, on a beanbag, reading.

you stare at him quite a bit. you catch him staring back, and it makes your face go red.

he's a beautiful man. soft eyes that look kind of like caramel candies if the sun hits them right and pale skin, littered with galaxies of slightly less pale freckles.

one day, he comes up to you. you're patient with him. "um. uh. okay. p-p-please j-j-j-just lis-listen to me." he looks sick and kind of scared. he tries continuing after your nod, but when you notice him tearing up, you grab a piece of paper from under the counter, and a pen from a cup next to the register.

_thanks. im sorry. i have a stutter. uh. i kinda wanted to ask if you could go out for coffee with me sometime? i come here a lot and ive been trying to work up the nerve to actually talk to you because i think youre possibly the most beautiful man ive ever seen._

you grin at the last part and let out the quietest of giggles. you could just speak, but you write a reply back.

 **i kind of think that youre the most gorgeous thing alive too and i stare at you a lot when i get the chance. its creepy, i know, but youre nice to look at. i would be delighted to go out for coffee with you**.

_oh gosh im nothing special. im josh._

**you are but im not gonna argue with ya right now. im tyler.**

_bleh. i have to leave for a thing, but heres my number. u should text me. (xxx) xxx-xxxx._   


	2. Chapter 2

**josh** : this is kind of embarrassing but do you think you could order my drink for me? ill pay but uh. the stuttering thing. idk. i know were sitting across from each other too. sorry.

**tyler** : nah hush hush you're perfectly fine. don't apologize. you stutter, i don't have the best grasp on english. you'll probably hear a few gems spill from my mouth at some point.

**tyler** : what do you want to drink

**josh** : don't judge me but i want a pumpkin spice latte. please.

**tyler** : no judgment. its a caramel macchiato for me. ill be back in a few seconds with coffee.

 

tyler is way too good for you already. you try not to tear up from sheer gratitude when he gets up to go order the drinks.

he talks to you, and you text him your responses. he's right. like, about not having the best grasp on english. at some point, you ask him about his job, and he says, "right now i just take care of that place, but soon i will work my way up the _cheney_ of command."

you'd started giggling at him, and he looks so pure when he starts laughing with you and asking you why you're laughing.

"i-i-it-its ch-ch-chain."

"cheney, chain, same thing. youd mess up too if you had to translate from arabic to english in your head."

"it-its okay." you manage to compose yourself. "i d-d-do th-the s-s-s-s-same th-thing wh-when i h-h-have to t-ta-talk to m-m-my d-d-dad."

**josh** : my dad speaks japanese mostly because he lived there most of his life so i have to speak it with him if i want to understand anything. i mess up a lot but he grins whenever i try so its nice. (also sorry about that i think thats probably the worst ive stuttered today. kill me.)

**tyler** : that sounds cool. i lived in lebanon until i was sixteen and actually i am surprised that i dont have that much of an accent. (don't worry about it man. no judgment here.)

**josh** : relatable. (thanks)

the two of you go between talking and texting for a while before either of you have to leave to go run errands that can't be blown off.  (i.e. speech therapy and grocery shopping.)


	3. Chapter 3

**tyler** : i just got my paycheck do you wanna go do something

**josh** : is it rude if i say no?

**tyler** : could i at least have an explanaining?

**tyler** : i think i meant explanation oops

**josh** : haha

**josh** : uh mostly its just... anxiety i guess. i had a bad today and im kinda tired.

**tyler** : oh thats ok!! i dont mind. can we still hang out or are you trying to tell me to get off?

**josh** : i mean. if u want to get off. go ahead.

**tyler** : u know what i meant

**josh** : if u dont mind my roommate pestering us you can come over and chill. you should totally bring me take out though. 

**tyler** : will do. :)

**josh** : :D

josh's roommate is nice. she pulls you aside when josh isn't looking and gives you _the talk._ "he really likes you. it's been awhile since he's liked someone. don't fuck it up or hurt him because i _will_ hurt you."

you cross your heart. "i have no intentions of that."

(she's also very obvious when she leaves the apartment with suggestive looks thrown towards the two of you.)


	4. Chapter 4

tyler is beautiful. he’s telling you a story about something one of his friends had done, and he keeps laughing. he has the cutest and most beautiful laugh you've ever heard. you’re laughing with him, and he keeps giving you kisses on the cheek.

“hey t-t-t-tyler. c-can i…?” you point towards his carton of take out with your fork.

“d’ya wanna try?”

you nod, and he picks up a small piece of his own food with chopsticks, and opens his mouth as a signal for you to do the same.

he feeds it to you, and you grin stupidly. “is it good?”

you nod and he smiles sweetly.


	5. Chapter 5

**tyler** : do you wanna go on an actual date

**josh** : are you sure?

**tyler** : 100%.

**josh** : what did you have in mind?

**tyler** : idk i didnt think id actually get this far

**josh** : oh

**tyler** : theres that one amusement park

**tyler** : do you wanna go there?

**josh** : i went to it with my ex girlfriend a few years ago and it was pretty fun

**josh** : she was kind of not the best person so i have negative associations with it. sorry. also crowds kinda skeeve me out

**tyler** : dont apologize!!! its okay man i just want ya to be comfortable.

**tyler** : how about a picnic

**josh** : … a picnic?

**tyler** : yeah. get a blanket and some food maybe some booze and look at the stars and shit. im an artist. i like romantic things.

**josh** : its a date so romance is key.

**josh** : ill try actually talking this time

**tyler** : you dont have to if you dont want to

**josh** : i want to try at least

**tyler** : alright man i support ya <3 :D


	6. Chapter 6

the two of you sit on a blanket sharing a pizza and sipping at a few beers on the roof of tyler’s apartment complex.

“okay, question. does pineapple belong on pizza?”

you make a disgusted face and shake your head.

“shit. you really must be the one.”

you snort and shove him. “ass.”

“i’m kidding, mostly. pineapple is delicious but it just… it doesnt go on pizza. its like putting, uh, whats the one food that’s like… it’s brown and starchy.” he makes an oval with his hands, and you kinda wanna kiss him.

“p-pot-t-tatoes.”

“potatoes, right, right. it’s like putting those into a chocolate cake. it doesnt belong.”

 **josh** : sometimes i feel like pineapple

“why?” he looks up from his phone to give you a furrowed eyebrows kind of look.

you feel dumb, and you get flustered when you slowly sound out your response as to not stutter it. “i feel… like i don’t… belong.”

he gets a sad look on his face, and then you feel tears start to well up in your eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

“hey, hey; you’re alright,” you say in a hopefully gentle tone as you scoot towards josh to pull him into a hug. “you have a place in this world, okay? even if it’s just so you can make me smile, or so that you can have your shitty black coffee in the morning, i promise you that you have a place in this world.”

he hugs you tight and grips the back of your shirt like a lifeline. you run your hands through his kinda orangey-brown hair that _was_ ruby red when you met him.

he starts having a panic attack, so you make quick work of picking everything up before leading him back down the fire escape and to your apartment.

“sit there on the couch. i will get water. do you take anything for anxiety, or…?”

he shakes his head.

“this is a big no-no, but do you want a xanax?”

**josh** : i should probably say no bt if it helps thenplesse

you give him a thumbs up.


	8. Chapter 8

**josh** : i ruined our first date im so sorry

**tyler** : you didnt ruin it. shit happens.

**josh** : thanks for letting me spend the night

**tyler** : its cool. my futon is always urs if you need a place to crash.

**josh** : sorry about being a baby

**josh** : u would think that at 27 id have my shit together

**tyler** : grandpa

**tyler** : you dont have to have your shit together around me im not expecting you to

**josh** : i feel inferior thoooo :’(

**tyler** : why omg

**josh** : cuz ur 22 and youre all cool calm and collected but im 27 and i cant even order my own drinks at starbucks

**tyler** : THATS A ROYAL LOAD OF HORSESHIT IM NOT COOL CALM AND COLLECTED IM JUST REALLY GOOD AT BLUFFING

**josh** : teach me your ways

**tyler** : 1. idk just pretend ur chill

**josh** : wow thanks im a pro already


	9. Chapter 9

**josh** : ash is dragging me to a house party and i kinda dont wanna go do u wanna go with me so i dont have to suffer alone

**tyler** : can i bring a friend

**tyler** : hes at my apartment right now and i asked if i could blow him off for a party but he wants to come

**tyler** : hes really nice. he may seem like an asshole but hes my best friend for a reason u kno

**josh** : will he make fun of me for stuttering or not talking

**tyler** : no. hes not the kind of guy to do that. also he wants to meet you anyways

**josh** : what why

**tyler** : … cuz i never shut up about you.

**josh** : oh REALLY

**tyler** : :^( look i really like you and i cant help it

**josh** : stop my face is red as hell

**tyler** : thats the goal, sugar.

**josh** : ok now u really gotta stop.

**tyler** : never :^)

**josh** : is sugar gonna be a regular thing now

**tyler** : yes.

**josh** : oh gosh


	10. Chapter 10

_what if his friend doesn’t like me?_

“josh, everyone likes you. if his friend doesnt like you ill kick his ass.”

_i have three friends. one of them is you, one of them is pete, who i don't talk to that much, and one of them is tyler. and im trying to make tyler my boyfriend. so i have one friend. no one likes me._

“literally, josh, shut the fuck up. you’re the coolest guy i know.”

_ah, jeez, tyler is calling my phone. can you answer?_

ashley nods, so you hand her your phone. “hey tyler.”

_tell him i said ‘hi.’ also explain that you’re talking for me._

“josh says ‘hi,’ and he told me to tell you that i’m speaking for him.” she raises her eyebrows, most likely in response to tyler. “he wants to know if the two of you can get everyone off.”

_he probably means blow everyone off. correct him, and tell him i’m laughing. also say yes._

“josh says that you probably mean blow, not get, and that he’s laughing. he also said yes.” she giggles, then says, “tyler says that you know what he means, and also fuck off.”

you watch as she frowns in the way that she’s thinking. she puts your phone between her shoulder and her cheek so she can sign something at you. _his friend sounds super familiar for some reason. he also took tylers phone._

_weird_.

“his friend says he wants to have a chat with you before you and tyler ditch us.”

_tell him i siad 'okay.'_

“he says ‘okay.’”

-

 

tyler slips into the house and makes a beeline for you. he looks, like, really beautiful, and your heart speeds up a little bit as he wraps his arms around you and pulls you into a hug. you hug him back, then offer him a grin and a nod when he says, “hey, josh!”

ashley gets a look at his friend, who you kinda recognize, then she’s signing so rapidly at you that you almost don’t catch it. _he’s that one youtuber i watch who sings and who has super good opinions and thoughts about social issues and shit._

you detach tyler from yourself so you can respond. _seriously? damn. that’s why he looks familiar to me. what are you going to do? imagine the eyes emoji is here._

_man, i don’t know. ive never met any of my idols before._

(you get the “if you hurt him, i’ll kill you” speech from brendon.)

-

“i-i-i-i’m thin-thinking of-of-of, uh,” you take a deep breath; you’re going just a little too fast, “sh-sh-shaving th-the-the, uh, b-bea-beard.” you have to take another deep breath afterwards.

“aw, josh, c’mon. i love the beard.” tyler pouts and rubs the sides of your face. “it looks kinda…”

“k-kinda…?”

“it looks kinda hot.”

you have to put a hand over your face to hide the rising blush in your cheeks. “sh-shut up.”

he giggles, grins with sunshine, and kisses you on the nose. “never.”


	11. Chapter 11

**josh** : hey thanks for saving me from the house party i was kinda stressed

“not a problem.” you stand on the tips of your toes, put your hands on his shoulders, and kiss him softly and sweetly. the grin he gives you before he walks into his apartment is goofy, and you can't scrub it from your mind, even as you fall asleep that night.

-

you get woken up at four in the morning.

 **ash** : what the fuck did you do

 **tyler** : what

 **ash** : josh is freaking the fuck out and he only said “tyler” when i asked why

 **tyler** : i didnt do anything

 **tyler** : we went and sat on the hood of my car in the parking lot of your apartment complex smoking and talking after we left the party then i kissed him before i left to go home. i also told him that his beard is hot. thats all weve done today

 **ash** : oh my god im so sorry im used to assuming the worst when it comes to him and potential partners. can you try texting him? ive been trying to get him to talk to me for like an hour now

 **tyler** : yeah ill try

-

 **tyler** : ashley texted me and if i did something you kinda need to tell me so i can apologize and try to fix it

_read, 4:13 AM._

**tyler** : josh come on please

_read, 4:20 AM._

**tyler** : im worried can you please respond to me please

_read, 5:36 AM._

**tyler** : josh. respond to me or im going to go to your apartment and talk to you in person. im not above that.

 **josh** : [taco emoji, bell emoji]

 **tyler** : …

 **tyler** : seriously

 **josh** : [eggplant emoji]

 **tyler** : fuck you

 **tyler** : its six in the fucking morning ive gotten an hour of sleep i have work in another two hour and ive WORRIED SICK about you because youve been ignoring me and now youre replying with emojis

 **josh** : [tongue emoji, eyes emoji]

_read, 6:12 AM._


	12. Chapter 12

**(xxx) xxx-xxxx** : is this tyler

**tyler** : uh. yea. who is this??

**(xxx) xxx-xxxx** : one of josh’s friends.

**tyler** : oh. i meant your name.

**(xxx) xxx-xxxx:** pete

**tyler** : alright. why are you texting

**pete** : because josh is too much of a bitch ass to talk to you himself :|

**tyler** : he hasnt talked to me in like two weeks and i would say something but idrk what to say. just getting that out there.

**pete** : he came to be about your little spat with him because ashley gets a liiiittle too pissed off and makes too many assumptions

**pete** : now, as someone who knows that josh has really bad social anxiety and knowing that he has a tendency to overthink things, i figured that it was safe to assume that you don't actually hate him and never want to see him again

**tyler** : thats a pretty safe assumption, yes.

**pete** : josh was having that one panic attack that ash told you about because he started over thinking. he was worried that you were going to get fed up with going out of your way just to accommodate to him and be able to speak with him to where hes comfortable

**pete** : this next text is said to you in confidence so dont say anything to josh/ash ok?

**tyler** : ok

**pete** : josh REALLY likes you. like, ridiculously so. he had a girlfriend who treated him like shit/took advantage of him/made FUN of his stuttering and everyone before & after her has done mostly the same shit, but mostly not as bad. so, basically, he’s used to people being absolutely horrible and youre the first person hes been interested in who hasnt been horrible to him or treated him like shit so, understandably, hes afraid of losing that & hes been a fucking wreck the past few weeks because he is just absolutely CONVINCED that you hate him & that you talk to him out of pity

**tyler** : jesus fucking christ i didnt know about any of that. me hating him couldnt be further from the truth. i really really fucking care about him like more than you can imagine oh god

**tyler** : do you know if hed be ok if i just casually asked him if he wanted to come over to hang out (and so i can apologize)

**pete** : probably

**tyler** : also how did you get my number

**pete** : brendon gave it to me

**tyler** : tell him hes a dick next time u see him

**pete** : will do


	13. Chapter 13

**tyler** : can you come over we need to talk

**josh** : give me incentive

**tyler** : im cute?

**josh** : i guess

**tyler** : you guess im cute or are you coming over

**josh** : the latter

**tyler** : thanks

-

tyler looks a little disheveled and he has bags under his eyes when he opens the door to his apartment. you wave, and manage to say, “hi,” without stumbling over it.

he steps aside to let you in, and once the door is closed, he’s pulling you into a hug. like, a really tight hug. he buries his face into your chest, and you try to return the hug with just as much vigor.

he pulls away after a period of time, and tugs you over to his couch. he seats himself on one end, facing the other, the points to the spot he wants you to sit. he gets his phone, and hands it to you after saying, “pete told me not to show you this conversation, so you’re not going to say shit to him, okay?”

you do the hand sign for ‘okay.’ he knows that one. everyone knows that one.

you read through the conversation, and you’re tearing up, from anxiety, not happiness or anything good, by the time you’re done.

you hand his phone back to him with shaky hands. “for one thing, if i could, i’d probably give you the world, but ‘accommodating’ to you, or whatever the hell you want to call it, is the least i can do. and to me, it’s not accommodating. it’s me trying to be a decent human.”

and now you’re wiping at your eyes a little bit.

“i don’t care that you have a stutter. i seriously couldn’t give less of a shit. you’re not dumb, and you’re not pathetic or any of the other self deprecating things you tell yourself. i don’t care that you have anxiety or whatever. you need help? you need me to order things for you? i fuckin’ got you. it’s not a burden to me to do things like that for you. you’re not a burden.

“if i was talking to you out of pity, or if i hated you, you wouldn’t be here right now. i wouldn't have kept asking you to hang out, or going to see movies at that one movie theater just to see you while you were at work. i’ve only known you for like, three months, but you’re seriously one of the most amazing person i’ve ever met, and you are really important to me.

“with all of that being said, i am really fucking sorry that i did anything to make you upset, or to make you feel that way. but, you need to tell me when you’re upset the next time something like this happens, because i can’t read minds, and i can’t tell that anything’s wrong if i’m not with you in person, okay?”


	14. Chapter 14

you watch as josh hunches over a little bit, covering his face, as he just cries. you scoot over to him, and wrap your arms around him, he returns the favor, and holds you to him as he, literally, cries on your shoulder.

you seriously want to kick the asses of everyone who has ever wronged him, made fun of him, taken advantage of him, or done anything else to make him feel pain on such a deep level. to you, he’s probably the literal definition of perfect, and even if he wasn’t, no one deserves to feel so shitty.


	15. Chapter 15

tyler orders a pizza once you’ve calmed down and quit crying. he also lets you take another one of his xanax. it helps, kinda.

**josh** : im sorry

“for what?”

**josh** : idk for breaking down. no one has said anything that nice to me before and it feels a little surreal. im just way too used to people not being that great

“it wasn’t me being nice. it was the truth, dude.”

“th-th-than-thanks.”

tyler offers you another one of his sickly sweet smiles before leaning forward and very, very gently pressing his lips against yours. you can't help the small little closed mouth smile that comes across your face in response.

“c-ca-can, uh, c-can i ki-ki-kiss you agai-again?”

“of course you can.”


	16. Chapter 16

**josh** : can you come over

**tyler** : ehh im a little busy but if its an emergency i could probably be there within 20 minutes (brendon dragged me to a shopping mall because he wants feedback on clothes -_- :'( he has a lot of money so he spends ten years shopping ugh)

**josh** : oh if youre busy its fine sorry

**tyler** : josh is something wrong?? if somethin’s wrong ill come over

**josh** : ash is out of town/not answering her phone and im kinda like… ok i need someone to talk to/hang out with because im having some Not Okay thoughts/tendencies right now

**tyler** : 20 minutes might be more like half an hour to forty five but will you be alright until then??

**josh** : yeah probably im really sorry. im too old to be feeling like this.

**tyler** : no ur not its okay man :'( <3

 

brendon gives you permission to ditch him, saying he can just take a cab home, so twenty minutes ends up being fifteen.

josh sits next to you on his couch, staring at nothing, and biting his thumbnail. you lean on him with your head on his shoulder, and you ask him if he wants to talk about it.

 

**josh** : you unlocked my tragic backstory i guess

 

“how so?”

 

**josh** : i worked a four hour shift this morning (im going back in a few hours) because ash & i are a little short on rent so i need the overtime i guess

**josh** : okay so you know how i had a not very ok ex girlfriend right?

 

you nod.

 

**josh** : i saw her today. usually i just stand in the movie theater during movies to make sure no one has their phones out & to make sure everyones beng quiet & then i clean up afterwards

**josh** : usually when people walk into the theater i smile and nod at them to be polite and whatever but she walked in and i just. idk.

**josh** : our relationship was really unhealthy and uh. my sutter. used to not be as bad as it is now. but throughout my relationship with her & after it it got even worse

**josh** : also by a few years ago, i mean it was around the time i was 22 or 23 so its been 4 or 5 years since i last saw her and i thought i was over t but apparently im not

 

you take his hand in yours at this, and he squeezes it a little bit before he removes it from your grasp to continue texting you.

 

**josh** : aaand when i say our relationship was unhealthy i mean that it was abusive.

**josh** : at first like at the very beginning it was a really really good relationship but after a few months she was claiming to be in love with me and im the kind of person who likes to take things super slowly and its not like i didnt love her but it just rubbed me the wrong way

 

you nod. “that kinda… yeah that’s kinda weird. i’ll try not to fall in love with you for at least another three months, alright?”

he snorts and elbows you, and then kisses you.

 

**josh** : u have permission to fall in love with me whenever u want, man. just dont get creepy about it i guess

 

“was she creepy about it?”

 

**josh** : yeah. i mean she was posting about it on her twitter and instagram accounts and i didnt really know what to say. it was awkward for me.

**josh** : so around the time ash moved in with me she was 17 and i was her only friend like. willing to LET her move in. and shes not the kind of person who would take advantage of me i guess so i was okay with it. also she didnt rly have anywhere to go because she got kicked out after a huge fight w/her parents so u knOW

**josh** : NOW. this is when the relationship started to get abusive. im pretty sure she was drunk during our first ‘fight’ but she swore to fucking GOD i was cheating on her with ashley

**josh** : for one thing, shes my best friend, and i think of her like a sister so ew??? and for the most part i like men anyways so?? you know.

**josh** : anyways she came over when she knew ash was going to be gone, and started yelling at me. i cant really handle being yelled at it just triggers my anxiety

**josh** : so like i was kinda starting to cry and trying not have a panic attack. when im like that i cant talk usually and if i do i stutter REALLY bad like way worse than usual but i made myself talk so i could very calmly ask her to stop yelling

**josh** : aaand then i was told to quit being a big baby. i said something else i think it was like. “im not” in response to the cheating accusation

**josh** : so she called me a liar then slapped me.

**josh** : ash chose that moment to suddenly be back and she was like “what the fuck” then threatened to call the cops if she didnt leave because she jus. knew something was wrong i guess

**josh** : so basically ‘fights’ like that kept happening. also by fight i mean her yelling at me/hitting me and me not really knowing what to do and whenever i would threaten to break up with or whenever i would try she would guilt trip me into staying with her

**josh** : like she literally threatened to kill herself if i were to break up with her

 

“okay that’s really not okay, josh.”

 

**josh** : tell that to 21/22/23 year old me

**josh** : also insults. those kept getting worse. one of the ones she used a lot was uh. retard. like who actually uses that word lol? but anyways yeah. that was a thing

**josh** : okay this next part i havent really talked about too much like ash knows and i think i told pete and i told my parents but ill explain their reactions afterwards. i just want to ask if you’ll believe/not judge me.

 

“of course, dude.”

 

**josh** : it’s a sex thing

 

you can kinda guess where this is going.

 

**josh** : uh. okay. i hate busting out the ‘r’ word like the one that has to do with sex but technically that kinda happened a lot

**josh** : like i would say “haha hey im not really in the mood” and shed do the thing like “lol ur a guy ur always in the mood” which is NOT true like i have a really really reaaaallly low sex drive

**josh** : but anyways i wouldnt really be into it and like. i got hard or whatever but i really really didnt want to do anything but she kinda forced me/guilt tripped me into it and like i said it happened a lot

 

“girls can… like, i know they can do that.”

 

**josh** : thanks. afterwards i would always feel super sick to my stomach and my hands did the thing where they get really cold because of anxiety

**josh** : when i told my parents about it they didnt believe me and i didnt really talk to them for three years idk. it just. yeah. anyways

**josh** : when i was a teenager like. 14-17 i struggled really fricking bad with. like. self harm. pls don’t judge me please

 

you pull up the leg of your shorts to show him one of your thighs. “i don’t think i’m in a place to judge, josh.”

 

**josh** : okay oddly that makes me feel better. sorry.

 

“nope. it’s fine. i understand it.”

 

**josh** : thanks. point is though i relapsed with that after being clean for five or six years because hey i used it as a coping mechanism when i was a teenager and old habits die hard i guess. also is this like. triggerng for you at all??? if it is ill quit talking about it.

 

“nah. it’s pretty hard to trigger me, i guess.”

 

**josh** : okay. anyway ash came home from her job a few hours earlier than i expected and me, being the dumb shit that i am, cut just a little too deep. by little i mean i couldve bled out if ash hadnt come home when she did

**josh** : i was standing at the kitchen sink freaking out and not really knowing what to do beause i was panickng. she saw and immediately just went “shit” and i kid you not she seriously took her fucking shirt off (she had an undershirt on thankfully) wadded it up, then and told me to hold it against my arm while she went and grabbed a different shirt

**josh** : so u kno i got driven to the emergency room and after i got stitches & a stern talking to from a doctor i went home (they wanted to put me on suicide watch or whatever but i couldnt really afford a hospital stay so u knooow)

**josh** : ash started crawljng up my ass and thats when i told her about what was going on. she made me go and block/delete the girlfriend on every social media thing i had except for texting & thats like. when i cut her off. i changed my phone number too just in case lol

**josh** : so basically seeing her today brought all of that back and i figured itd be better to text you and ask you to come over before i did anything dumb because i probably wouldve (im nkt ttying to be guilt trippy or anything idk if its coming off that way)

 

“you’re not coming off that way. okay, i don’t really know what to say, but if it means anything, can i like…” you sigh, and scrub your hands down your face. “this is a lot to take in. sorry. anyways - just - i’m not the kind of guy who would do any of that shit to you. okay? i don’t even know if you worry about that, but i want to say it just in case.”

 

**josh** : it means more thank you think tyler

**josh** : surprisingly talking about all stuff made me feel better. huh.

 

“sometimes talking about stuff does that.”


	17. Chapter 17

you end up staying at josh’s apartment for the week ashley is gone. he doesn’t trust himself, and you were more than glad to hang out with him anyways.

for the most part the two of you just watch tv and binge on ice cream and pizza.

ash walks in to you and josh sitting in your underwear while lounging on the couch. “uh. hey, tyler. josh. did anything happen while i was gone?”

just scrubs his hands down his face, because she’s kind of acting like a mom trying to embarrass her kid, and you laugh.

josh starts signing something to her.


	18. Chapter 18

_he’s been here all week. i worked an extra shift on sunday because we’re short on rent and i saw you-know-who there._

_shit. are you alright?_

_i guess. i kinda freaked out and asked tyler to come over because i was having urges to like. you know._ you hold up your wrist.

_it’s good that you called him then. have you explained the situation to him, or…?_

_yeah i told him right off the bat kinda. it actually helped? weirdly. i asked him not to judge me about the self harm thing and he showed me his thigh. he has scars all over it. i dunno. i think i might, like, you know. the ‘l’ word. not the show about lesbians but like. the WORD._

she grins. _good. he’s good for you. i’m gonna go shower because i’m sweaty and gross. keep your pants on while i’m in there._

_oh my god we haven’t even done anything. the most we’ve done is make out and he doesn’t push his boundaries._

_sounds gay. i love it._


	19. Chapter 19

“do you want me to leave now?” you ask once you hear the shower turn on.

“uh. not r-r-really.” he swallows a little. “i mea-mean if y-you-you wan-want th-th-th-then you can.”

“i mean. i do kind of need to check on my cat.”

“you have a _cat_?”

“shit, man. fuck your speech therapy. my cat fixes the problem.”

josh snorts and pops you one in the shoulder. “shut it.”

“i’m kidding. brendon’s been dropping by to refill his food and water once a day, and to hang out with him, but you know. he’s kinda my responsibility.”

 **josh** : if i get dressed will you let me meet him pleasepleaseplease i love cats so much you dont understand

“of course, dude. that cat is my pride and joy.”


	20. Chapter 20

tyler’s cat sits in your lap, and he lets you cuddle him and pet him and you _melt_.

“dude, what the fuck? he hates everything except for me, and even with me it’s conditional.”

you snort and shrug.

he drops his keys onto the table to walk over and sit down in front of you. “well, if onix likes you, then that’s _obviously_ a good sign.

“d-did you na-name him af-aft-after a, uh, po-poke-pokem-m-mon?”

“... maybe.”

you start giggling. “nerd.” today is one of your worst days as far as stuttering goes, but you don’t really feel embarrassed, and tyler obviously doesn’t care.

“can i ask somethin’?”

you nod.

“okay, so, i have a thing - if onix likes someone, like, that’s what i go by when it comes to potential, uh,” he’s blushing a little bit, and you’re biting your cheek. “okay. look. basically, onix likes you, and i like like you, so can i have permission to ask you to be my boyfriend?”

you nod very slowly, and bite your cheek a little harder, trying not to smile.

“okay. joshua william dun, will you do me honors of being my boyfriend?”

you nod, slowly, again, and honestly you don’t think you’ve ever seen him smile so wide before.

“can i kiss you?”

once again, you nod, then there’s hands on your cheeks and soft lips being gently pressed against yours.

and then onix decides claw tyler’s arm. “ow, you little fucker.” he glares, and onix hisses.

“my cat.” you hold onix up a little bit.

“no. my cat. i don’t care how much he loves you. he is mine.”

you stick your tongue out at him and he kisses you again.

 

-

 

**josh** : hey im gonna stay at tylers tonight

**ash** : alright. do ya want me to bring you a change of clothes??

**josh** : nah tyler offered to share. he’s a good boyfriend.

**ash** : ASSHOLE WHEN THE FUCK

**josh** : a few hours ago. :D

**ash** : u gonna get laid tonight [eyes emoji]

**josh** : no omg we’re watching a movie together on the fold out bed in his living room

**ash** : laaaaame

**josh** : bye

 

-

 

**tyler** : guess who has a boyfriend ♪

**brendon** : josh

**tyler** : … ok thats true but u were supposed to say ‘tyler’ >_>

**brendon** : did u get it in

**tyler** : nah. we totally made out like a couple of fourteen year olds tho. i could not stop smiling.

**brendon** : okay thats like super adorable

**tyler** : onix fuckin loves him btw

**brendon** : wtf okay thats new

**tyler** : ikr like OBVIOUSLY since onix likes him it means hes the one

**brendon** : tru


	21. Chapter 21

**josh** : wanna come over and hang out (translation: let me nap on you or something because your presence is really cathartic for me and im stressed as hell)

 **josh** : ash went to stay with her parents for a few weeks so idk man we got some alone time :P

 **tyler** : i hate that emoji its so creepy omfg

 **tyler** : yeah man i always wanna come over. or do u wanna come over. cuz i got onix.

 **josh** : i dont wanna get dressed

 

you snort and walk over to the mirror in your bedroom.

 

 **tyler** : [image attached]

 **tyler** : ive been in this outfit for the past three days and i aint changing so idc if ur dressed

 **josh** : is that one of my t shirts

 **tyler** : you left it here its mine now

 **josh** : you look better in it than i do. even tho ur practically swimming. smh. also u obviously dont skip leg day. love it. ;)

 **tyler** : omfg bye i dont even exercise that much im super soft. my thighs are fat. like not fat as an adjective but theyre not muscle. jus fat.


	22. Chapter 22

**josh** : dont care man u got some dank thighs and some sweet undies

 **tyler** : my underwear is basic as hell josh. i have better and more exciting underwear.

 

you choke on your spit when you get a picture of tyler hiking your t-shirt above his perfectly shaped ass to reveal lace trimmed panties.

 

 **josh** : you are gorgeous and id be lying if i said i didnt go red in the face from that.

 **tyler** : good. also thanks.

 

and then he sends a picture of himself kneeling on his knees with freaking thigh highs.

 

 **josh** : why do you own that stuff

 **tyler** : because i look hot and i hope its not presumptuous of me to say that im totally making you flustered ;)

 **josh** : no youre definitely not wrong

 **tyler:** (can i keep going or are you getting uncomfortable)

 **josh** : (no offense but i need some spank bank material pls keep going) (would u be cool if i sent stuff in return)

 **tyler** : (none taken ;P) (and yes?? youre fuckin hot dude i wouldnt complain)


	23. Chapter 23

you get a picture of josh’s hand kinda gripping his dick through the thin material of his pajama pants and you groan.

you’re a little hard when you send him a picture of you with your hand down your underwear.

 

 **josh** : oh my god

 **josh** : can i still come over

 **josh** : i really want to touch you

 **tyler** : you sure?

 **josh** : at the moment yes im 100% sure.

 

you laugh at how easy it was to get him riled up.


	24. Chapter 24

**brendon** : im bored im coming over to get drunk and watch romcoms

 **tyler** : NO YOU ARE NOT COMING OVER I WILL LITERALLY HIT YOU IF YOU SHOW UP

 **brendon** : jesus sorry dude

 **brendon** : what crawled up ur ass

 **tyler** : one thing lead to another in a text conversation and basically i think josh is coming over and i think i might laid

 **brendon** : OH

 **brendon** : ok ill go get drunk elsewhere

 **brendon** : use a condom and be generous with lube

 **tyler** : gross go away (will do)


	25. Chapter 25

**brendon** : wyd

 **tyler** : im at work

 **brendon** : is josh there

 **tyler** : no he just left

 **brendon** : cool im taking u home today i want you to spill the tea on how the dirty went with dun

 

-

 

“hey, dick, i better get a ride to work tomorrow.”

“yeah, yeah, shut it. get in the fuckin’ car.”

“where are you even taking me?”

“my apartment. you’re lame and you don’t keep any booze around.”

“and you sure you aren’t alcoholic?”

“nice english.”

“if we hadn’t been friends since i was a sophomore, i’d kick your ass.”

“sadly, you love me.”

you groan. “you’re the worst, brendon.”

brendon kisses your fucking cheek, and you shove him away.

“quit that.”

 

-

 

“what do you want to know?” you ask once you’re seated on a barstool in brendon’s kitchen.

“how much are you willing to tell me?”

“depends on how much you want to know.”

“routine questions to start off with.” he pops the cork on a bottle of champagne, and you roll your eyes. hes acting as if you just got engaged to josh.

“hit me,” you reply after taking a glass of champagne from him.

he leans over the island. “dick size.”

“average, honestly. kinda thick.”

he makes a face.

“shut up. you’re a size queen.”

“you should be too.”

you roll your eyes so damn hard. “i’m sorry that dick size doesn’t dictate who i date. my relationship with josh isn’t centered on sex, and i don’t want it to be. it's the first one i’ve been in that hasn't been like that.”

brendon clicks his tongue. “does he top?”

you nod. “the only person alive who’s a bigger bottom than i am is you.”

“is he kinky?”

you shrug. “i mean, i was wearing lingerie, kinda jokingly, but other than that it was pretty vanilla.”

“jokingly wearing lingerie?”

“i asked him if he wanted to come over in the first place because, hey, i have onix, and he likes cats. he said he didn’t want to get dressed though, so i sent him a picture of what i was wearing.”

“what were you wearing?” his eyes are comically wide, and he’s leaning forward even more.

“well, if you’d let me continue, i’ll tell ya. i was wearing a t-shirt he left at my apartment a few months ago, and a pair of briefs, right? he said my thighs are ‘dank’ and that my undies were ‘sweet.’”

“undies? he said undies? that’s fucking adorable.”

you giggle. “i know, i know. anyways you know those fucking panties you bought on my twenty first birthday just to embarrass me?”

he giggles and nods.

“okay, well, they fit perfectly, thank you, so i put them on and-” you show him the picture. “i sent that to him.”

brendon whistles. “damn, daddy-t, that’s pretty hot.” he slides your phone back across the counter. “what’s he like?”

“what do you mean?”

“in bed. is he rough, gentle…?”

“gentle, definitely. he treated me like a prince. oh my god, okay, dude, he has the biggest praise kink.”

brendon waves his arm around, obviously signaling for you to go on.

“it was the heat of the moment or whatever, and we both know i run my mouth in the heat of the moment, but i said something like, ‘you’re doing so good, baby,’ to him, and the noise he made was pure sin.”

brendon groans, and dallon walks into the kitchen. you were going to wait until the man left to continue, but brendon urges you to go on. “pretend like he ain’t even here. i want the tea.”

“can dallon be in on the tea too?”

“can dallon not refer to himself in the third person?” brendon quips back at him.

dallon mimicks him, and you roll your eyes. “yeah, sure. sit down, shut up, and drink some champagne.”

dallon brings over a dish filled with grapes, to munch on as if it were popcorn as you go on. “okay, like, after i said that, he made those noises or whatever, and i was like, ‘huh,’ so i said something like-” you let out a dramatically drawn out and, well, dramatic moan, “‘babe, you’re so hot right now,’ and i kept saying things like that and - oh my god - i have never seen a grown man blush that hard.”

“i missed a lot.”

“snooze ya loose, asshole.”

“shut up, urie.”

brendon bats at dallon. “the most important part, though. how was he with after care?”

“awesome. i came three times. he came twice. there was a lot of semen everywhere, so you know what the sweetheart did? he went and found washcloths, and like, got me cleaned up or whatever, then he ran a fucking bath. i have never had a guy do any of that before.”

“dallon, you need to take some sex tips from josh. the last time you made me c-”

and with that, dallon leaves. you giggle.

“he’s so uptight. anyways. deets on the bath.”

“he took it with me. i told him where i kept my bath bombs, so he used one, and we kissed a little bit during the bath. it was so sweet i wanted to vomit.”

“dallon! take some fuckin’ notes!”

you snort. “you act as if he doesn't already worship the ground you walk on.”


	26. Chapter 26

**josh** : am i being too clingy

 **tyler** : no? why?

 **josh** : no reason

 **tyler** : youre lying to me mister dun

 **josh** : :(

 **tyler** : you can tell me whats wrong dude. we’re boyfriends for a reason.

 **josh** : sorry. everyone i was with after her (which wasnt a lot but still) said i was too clingy after doin the do

 **tyler** : oh. well i dont think youre too clingy.

 **tyler** : our relationship isnt about sex and i dont want it to be, ok?

 **tyler** : idk ive been in a lot of relationships where it was mostly about the sex and obviously they never worked out. im not saying the sex was bad because i came three times like that aint bad AT ALL but i dont want what we have to get ruined because of sex

 **josh** : so you mean youre ok with not having sex all the time

 **tyler** : ??? yeah if you dont want to have sex then dont idrc. if you feel like you have to sleep with me out of obligation now then quit it. u dont. i am just interested in loving you as much as i can without getting unhealthy

 **josh** : loving me? :o

 **tyler** : OH FOR FUCKS SAKE I WAS SAVING THAT FOR A ROMANTIC TIME IM SO MAD D:

 **josh** : oh my god

 

-

 

 _ashley ashley ashley_.

she looks up from her coffee, and into your eyes with her own tired ones. “it’s four.”

 _i know but tyler said something_.

“do i have to kick his skinny ass?”

_no? okay, look - he said he loved me._

her eyebrows go up.

_i talked to him about the sex thing and he said something like ‘i dont want our relationship to be about sex i just want to love you as much as i can’ and, man, i wanted to cry. i’m surprised i didn't. he's pretty much perfect._

“that’s… really adorable.”


	27. Chapter 27

you wake up to a face full of bright hazel eyes and lebanese freckles one morning, thoroughly startling you, since you were expecting off white matte paint and sunlight. you whine, whack tyler with a pillow. “ugh. how’d you get in here?”

“ashley let me in. i have a proposition for you.”

“c-can i have c-coffee b-b-b-before you am-m-mb-b-bush m-me?”

“i brought you starbucks.”

“kiss?”

“you have morning breath.”

“you lo-love m-m-me.”

he groans and nudges you, before leaning over to plant a chaste kiss to your lips.

 

-

 

“you can totally say no and shoot me down, but my parents are kind of hosting a family reunion and i was kind of wondering if you'd like to accompany me…? i mean, it’s not for another few months anyways. i told my parents i was sort of kind of seeing someone, and they totally want to meet you?”

you giggle a little bit at the emphasis tyler puts on ‘seeing.’ _that sounds… nice. i’m down_.

“uh… i only understand ‘nice’ and ‘down’ out of that. i’m still trying to learn, josh.”

you scrunch your face up. “l-learn m-m-m-more. i s-s-said it s-s-sounds n-n-n-nice. i’m d-down.”

he makes an ‘o’ shape with his mouth. “plane or car?”


	28. Chapter 28

josh winces, and spells out car in sign language. “why not plane?”

 

 **josh** : they scare me. its kind of dumb but id prefer road tripping it there.

 

“dude, columbus is a little far from new york.”

 

 **josh** : i know. my parents live in columbus

 

“seriously?”

he nods.

“that’s pretty sweet. so, you gonna introduce me?” you lean forward on your elbows, across his dining table, to bat your eyelashes at him.

he spells out ‘maybe.’

you pout.

 

 **josh** : quit that. you’re too adorable. and youre also an adult. i said maybe because i havent said anything about being in a relationship yet to them, and i also dont know how much free time we’re going to have.

 

“understandable. i was gonna take a week off work for it. i haven't really seen my family a whole lot since i moved out.” you shrug, and josh reaches across the table to squeeze your fingers.

“i haven’t s-seen m-m-m-my p-p-p-parents in t-two years.”

“oh, jeez. thats a while, huh? i saw mine a little after i turned twenty one, since my birthday is on the first of december, and since christmas is a thing.”


	29. Chapter 29

you nod along with what tyler is saying.

 

 **josh** : what’s your family gonna be like as far as me stuttering goes.

 

“madison probably wont care, jay also probably wont care, zack might get snide but he’s also an asshole so you should ignore him, my mom might make a comment or two, but she’s old and uneducated, and my dad is pretty terrible at english and makes it a rule not to mock anyone else.”

 

 **josh** : i could mock them all in japanese

 

“please do. the looks would be priceless.” tyler grins widely, you fall a tiny little bit more in love than you had been previously, and then you’re standing up to kiss his forehead before you take a shower.


	30. Chapter 30

**josh** : why didnt you tell me tylers road trip music was nsync

 **brendon** : i blocked it out. ptsd.

 **josh** : im about to. oh god justin bieber circa 2011 just came on. tyler is good at singing but idk how much of this i can take.

 **brendon** : let him live. do you like elvis? or foreigner? he likes foreigner. he also likes uh. the one girl. with the heart on her face or whatever

 **josh** : marina?

 **brendon** : YES her he likes her a lot

 **josh:** ill ask him about changing the music

 

-

 

“tyler.”

“huh?” you spare josh a quick glance.

“can you change th-the m-m-m-m-music? sorry. fuck.” he curses himself, probably for the stuttered out music.

“don’t be sorry.” you hand him your phone. “i got loads. pick what ya want.”

he leans over to peck you on the cheek, and you try not to smile too wide. he scrolls through your music, and picks, possibly, one of the corniest songs. “can’t help falling in love? really?”

he shrugs. “s’cute.”

you allow yourself to grin as much as you want this time. about half way through the song, you say, “josh?”

“hm?”

“i love you.”

he looks a little shocked, and for a second you’re afraid you screwed up, but then he’s smiling, giggling, and returning the gesture. “i l-l-love you t-too.”


	31. Chapter 31

**josh** : your parents are gonna hate me

 

“no, they won't. we don’t have the money for a hotel, and we’re already here, so let’s just go inside.”

 

 **josh** : theyll think im rude

 

“no, they won't. i already explained to my mom and my dad that you don't talk a lot, okay? they're expecting it.”

you grumble a little bit, and tyler clicks his tongue. “if anyone says anything, i’ll kick their ass. also, like, maddy’s the only one still living at home anyways, and she’s the nice one. you’ll be fine.”


	32. Chapter 32

josh is shaking like a leaf, and he’s gripping your hand something fierce as you knock on the door. your mother answers, and both you and josh get a hug. “mom, hey.”

as she's ushering the two of you in, she says, “it’s been so long, tyler.”

“i know, i know. uh, this is josh.” you tug josh a little closer, and he waves awkwardly. “he is my boyfriend.”

“well, it’s nice to meet you, josh.” your mother smiles at him sweetly, and he responds to her with his own slightly sweet smile and an enthusiastic nod.


	33. Chapter 33

“d-do you actua-ua-ually w-wa-want to m-m-m-meet m-m-m-my p-p-parents?”

“do you want me to meet them?”

“m’nervous is all.  i r-really like y-you and i’m af-f-fraid m-m-m-my p-p-parents won't.”

“why wouldn't they like me?” tyler frowns at you, surprisingly innocently, and you give in to the urge to lean over to kiss him on the lips.

you shrug in response. “i’unno.” you slowly sign out, _they haven’t liked anyone i’ve been with since a girlfriend i had when i was nineteen._

“they haven’t liked anyone since a girlfriend you had when you were nineteen…?” he asks, probably to clarify.

you nod. _thank you for trying to learn sign language._

“no problem. it just means i can technically be trilingual. and it also means i can shit talk brendon without him knowing.”

you snort. _he’s the kind of guy who’s going to learn it just to spite you._

_he’s nearly fluent in arabic for the same reason._

_wow._

 

-

 

“tyler.”

he grunts.

“ _tyler_.” you poke his nose, and he opens an eye.

“what?”

“can i have y-y-your c-car k-k-keys?”

“why?”

“i w-w-want c-c-coffee.”

“what time is it?”

you hold up seven fingers.

“my mom’s probably up. you could probably just go have coffee here.” he scoots closer to you, and buries his face into your neck as he wraps an arm around your torso. “but that would mean leaving me to freeze to death. you can’t do that. it’s illegal.”

you cant help but to grin. “or y-y-you could g-get up and w-we c-could g-g-go get st-st-starb-b-bucks t-together.”

“that’s also a very good idea. why would i do that, though, when i can cuddle with the cutest boy on earth?”

“i’m buying.”

“another good point.”


	34. Chapter 34

_i told my parents that i’m in columbus and that i want them to meet ‘someone.’_

“oh really?” you only understood part of that, but you think you get the gist of what he’s saying.

he nods. “m-m-mom didn’t s-sound too exc-cited on th-the phone, b-but i th-think they w-will like you.”

“that’s the goal. my parents like you. my mom thinks you’re totally sweet.”

josh smiles slightly and turns his head away from you. “shush.”

“you are the sweetest man, joshua dun.”

_the cutest boy and the sweetest man?_

“yes. possibly the hottest guy and the coolest dude too.” you feel his foot hit your shin lightly under the table.


	35. Chapter 35

_why is everyone giving you weird looks?_

“i’m the gay cousin. i’m also in a room of mostly conservative evangelicals with a beautiful pink haired boyfriend who has tattoos and piercings.”

_you have tattoos too._

“yours are colorful and more bad ass.”

josh nods, because, hey, you have a point.

 

-

 

you watch as josh starts fidgeting, and glancing around nervously. he tugs on your sleeve at some point, and, quite frankly, he looks kind of terrified, so you stand up and lead him out of the room and to your old bedroom.

"you okay?"

_too many people. too many looks. i don't like it when a lot of people look at me._

"that's alright. we can just... hang out here."

_i don't think anyone was actually looking at me, but i feel like they were._

"i understand that." josh has his head in your lap, and he's looking up into your eyes. "you look really beautiful, josh."

 _shut up_.

"nope. you are beautiful and i love you."

he puts his hands over his face and whines a bit. "shut up."

"i already said nope." you pry his hands from his face. "i like your eyes, and your cheek bones, and your freckles, and your lips, your teeth, your nose, your eyebrows, and your stubble. i love your stubble. you should grow your beard out again."

he rolls his eyes. _adhd_ _much?_

"can't help it, man. you trigger me."

he snorts really, _really_ loudly. _right, i trigger you. my face triggers you._

"yes. your face triggers me."

and now he giggles. _kiss me._

"why?"

' _cause_ _im_ _cute and i love you lots?_

"that's a good reason." you lean down, and even though he has to meet you half way, you get to kiss him.

 _tyler_ _joseph_ _, you're a good man._

"nah. i'm just a cool dude."

_cool dude club?_

"forever, bro."


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> full disclosure but i used google translate yikes

you watch tyler while he's getting dressed the morning of the day you're taking him with you to meet your parents. you take the time to admire his toned back muscles, and the way the light from the sunrise reflects from his tanned skin. _beautiful._

"beautiful."

tyler just about jumps out of his skin. "fucking christ, _j_ _osh._ " he places a slender and delicate hand over his heart. "i thought you were still asleep."

you shake your head. "n-no. m'not."

he sighs, and walks over to you. he kneels down next to his bed, and places a hand on one of your cheeks before leaning over to kiss you. "you're beautiful too."

you shake your head again. "shut up."

"do you wanna go out for breakfast before we go to your parents' house...? i mean, i'm hungry, and i've had my fill on lebanese food for the next century."

you sit up. _i need to shower first. are you paying or am i?_

"you're the man here."

you scoff and giggle a bit before lightly pushing him backwards. _shut up. we're both men. there's no time for gender roles._

"i'd pay for ya, j, but i don't have..." he stops speaking, and frowns. "what's the word that's like..." he starts making hand gestures.

"wh-wh-whi-which o-one?"

"uh. like. if i had... candy. if i had more candy than i needed... like, uh... what would that...?"

"extra...?"

"yes! that! i don't have extra money. i had a few hundred, then gas money. i have twenty left."

you nod. "yeah."

 

-

 

the cashier at the mcdonald's tyler drives you to is ridiculously pretty. you have trouble speaking to pretty people. like, lots of trouble. pretty people are intimidating, and you like to think of yourself as a huge goof.

you try telling her your usual order, but you can't get past the word 'can,' so after dicking around for thirty seconds or so, you tug at tyler's sleeve to have him order for you.

you sign out your order, and he translates. the two of you are getting ready to go sit down near a window while waiting for your meal numbers to get called when you catch sight of a group of teenagers pointing at you and laughing to themselves.

one of them makes a face at you when they notice you staring, and you only look away when tyler's tugging on your arm, whispering, "ignore them, josh."

you don't make any noise of acknowledgment, but you try obeying as best as you can. once across from you, tyler reaches out, and you assume he's trying to get you to hold his hands.

you flinch as you hear a harshly whispered _'the retard is a fag, too'_ that obviously wasn’t meant for your ears.

tyler yanks one of his hands from yours and thwacks it onto the table loudly. "he's not even gay, and he's not a retard, so shut the fuck up you miserable _kays saghir min sadid."_ ** _(-little sac of pus.)_**

the girl who'd made the comment flinches, goes red, and turns away from either of you, as do the other three teenagers with her.

you get tyler’s attention so you can sign to him. _what did you just call her?_

_i called her a miserable little sac of pus._

you snort and let out an ugly laugh. _i love you, tyler._

_i love you too, j._

 

_-_

 

_we're here._

"nice house." tyler whistles quietly.

_dad's a lawyer and mom's a nurse._

"that's a lot to live up to, man."

you roll your eyes. _their expectations aren't that high, especially after debby._

"debby?"

_uh. like... that one girlfriend._

"the bad one?"

you bite your lip and nod, before scratching at your cheek. tyler kisses you on the nose before pressing the doorbell.

"they know you're bi, right?" he asks while the two of you wait for someone to answer.

_yeah. they've met a few of my boyfriends._

jordan answers the door, and you start giggling when tyler gasps dramatically as he reaches up a bit to pinch your younger brother's cheeks. "you're like a mini-josh. that's so adorable."

your brother snorts and politely takes hold of tyler's wrists to detach his hands from his face. "geez, josh, he's forward."

_yeah. he's like that._


	37. Chapter 37

you watch josh as he leads you into his parent's house by your hand. his brother, who had introduced himself as jordan, informs either of you that his and josh's parents were doing a bit of last minute shopping in anticipation for your arrival.

josh lets go of your hand so he can ask jordan a question. _am i allowed to go get myself something to drink or is that forbidden since i haven't been home in a few years?_

"you want water? i'll get it for you."

you raise your eyebrows slightly.

 _uh. sure. i guess. water's always good_.

when the younger dun brother exits the living room to go do that, you look up at josh. "is he always that nice?"

"n-no. he's n-n-not m-m-mean usua-ua-ually b-but, uh. he tries b-b-babying m-me a l-lot."

"even though he's smaller?" you think you meant younger, but it's too late now, so you hope josh knows what you mean.

"y-yeah. uh." _my parents told him and my sisters that i tried killing myself, even though i explicitly said that death wasn't my end goal when that'd happened._

"oh. that, uh, that makes sense. brendon was like that to me when he saw my thighs the first time."

josh nods, and hugs you kind of shyly. you grin into his shoulder when you hug back. he signs, _'thanks for understanding,'_ at you when he pulls away.

"no problem, j."

 

-

 

josh's parents absolutely adore you, and you almost collapse the second you're back in your room at your own parent's house out of sheer relief.

josh, unfortunately, had a panic attack while at his parent's house, and couldn't sleep that night because of it, so you stay up with him.

you crack open the window in your room, despite it being the middle of november in ohio, so josh can smoke cigarettes without worrying about the fire alarms, and without having to stand outside. you sit in his lap, holding the ash tray, while he smokes, since he complained about being cold, yet refused to put on something more than his black briefs. though, you're only wearing a pair of dark red briefs, so you shouldn't criticize.

"ty?"

"yeah?"

"love you."

"i can tell."

josh huffs against your shoulder. "y-you're on m-my lap an-and y-y-you keep squirming."

"i can't help it, man. my ass is too big for your thighs."

he chuckles softly, and rubs one of your thighs with the hand not currently holding a cigarette. "c-can i ask...?"

"what? about the scars?"

"y-yeah. m'not really in the, uh, m-m-mood f-f-for, uh, y-y'know. n-need a b-b-b-boner killer."

"you could just ask me to get off your lap, josh."

"n-no. i could n-not. y-y-you're w-warm."

you roll your eyes and turn your head enough to capture his lips in a quick kiss.

"not much of a story, honestly. uh. had a lot of shit going on when i was a teenager. most of it stemmed from moving to america and having to learn another language. ma never bothered to teach me or zack english, even though she spoke it better than arabic."

you feel josh nod.

"yeah. i just... i got bullied for my accent, and people were being pretty racist. i didn't pass for white when i first moved here, so that was part of it i guess. still happens but not as much."

"s'dumb."

"it is very dumb. people are mean. my family has always been very... open. like, i've always been open about being... uh..." your mind is drawing blanks right now.

"y-y-you really th-think in arab-b-bic don't y-you?"

"yes, josh. i think in arabic. anyways. i've always been open about liking men with my family, but i didn't really get that america wasn't... okay. like, lebanon was, uh... kinda iffy with laws i guess when we left, and i thought america would be amazing and acceptance. but it isn't. at least not ohio. also, laws... wasn't the word i was looking for."

josh spells out that he gets what you mean with his right hand.

"yeah. i tried asking brendon out on a date when i first met him, but i did it in front of a load of people, and he was still in the closet so he didn't defend me right away, but people started bullying me for being the resident fag of the school, among other things."

"b-brendon?"

"he's cute. if he wasn't my best friend and if i wasn't in love with you, i'd totally be trying to _get_ with him."

"oh."

"anyways. i'm... i'm like... my head is weird, i guess. i have psychotic depression, and i was having a really bad psychotic episode during the first part of my sophomore year, so i just like... i dunno. it's what every webmd article on self harm says, but it made me feel like i had at least some control over my life. like, if i could control at least that _one_ thing, then i'd be fine, you know?"

"i-i know. i d-definitel-ly do."

"jay caught me cutting at some point, though, and tattled before i could get my legs bandaged and get a pair of sweats on, so i ended up in a psych ward for a few weeks."

_that's kind of scary. like, having your brother see that._

"what do you mean?"

"g-get offa m-my l-lap s-so i c-can s-s-sign p-prop-p-perly."

you obey as you haul yourself off of him to sit a few feet away, facing him.

_i never got caught when i was doing that as a teenager, but someone catching me was one of my worst fears. like, you're the oldest, right?_

_yeah._

_so am i. being the oldest i felt like i had to be a role model to my sisters and my brother, so the thought of them seeing their older brother being_ weak _terrified me. i mean, i don't think you're weak, by the way._

"yeah, that. that's how i felt. it was just... dumb. i quit after that, though. had better shit to do. for example, moving to new york to meet my wonderful and amazing boyfriend who i love to bits."

josh looks away from you super fast, and you can see the smile on his face in the dim moonlight. he stubs his cigarette out in the ash tray, then gets up to close your window, before letting you pull him into the bed.


	38. Chapter 38

**brendon:** talk to tyler

 **josh:** he's been leaving me on read

 **brendon:** then go to his apartment

 **josh:** why...??

 **brendon:** hes all depressed and moody and not talking to anyone idk why.

-

you knock on tyler's apartment door, and, unsurprisingly, he doesn't answer. you saw his car in the parking lot, so you know he's home. you feel around on top of the door frame until you find his spare key, then you unlock the door and walk in. onix rubs himself on your leg the second the door is shut behind you, then he starts walking towards tyler's bedroom.

his apartment is a mess. not... grossly, but it's not as pristine as you're used to. onix's food dish is empty, which it usually _isn't_ at this time of day, so you take a few minutes to put the proper amount of wet and dry food into the dish. tyler will go on about how much onix pisses him off, what with being grumpy, but he spoils his cat rotten.

you follow onix towards tyler's room after that, and you knock lightly before walking in. his room smells funky, and there's dirty clothes and used dishes everywhere. _at least he's been eating._

"ty...?" you nudge him once you're next to his bed.

he doesn't really respond, so you nudge him again, and actually say his full name.

"get up. b-brendon tol-told m-m-m-me to ch-ch-check on you."

tyler mutters something in arabic, causing you to sigh.

"please."

"leave me alone."

"you haven't... talked to m-me s-since... your b-b-birthday. two w-weeks ago." you're trying your best not to stutter, and to talk as calmly as possible as to not alarm him or anything. you take your shoes off, and crawl over him to sit in front of him, mostly to force him to look at you. _roll over and i'm pushing you out of the bed. what's up?_

he looks so _defeated._ you don't like it. onix hops into your lap before tyler starts talking. "why did brendon send you?"

_he told me that you're all 'depressed and moody' and that you thought i was mad at you or some bullshit that we both know ain't true._

"i got fired a few days after we got back from columbus and my mom died yesterday. you quit trying to talk to me a few days ago."

_your mom...?_

"she had an aneurysm. no warning or signs. she apparently just collapsed out of nowhere and... yeah. paramedics came. was on life support for a few days. died yesterday. i got told a few hours ago."

_oh._

"brendon paid my rent last month and probably will pay it this month too." tyler closes his eyes for a moment before looking back up at you again. "i haven't even cried. my mom died, and i can't even cry."

_it's okay. not everyone cries._

"i can't... feel anything."

_i don't really... know what i can do to help. can i even help?_

tyler shrugs. "i don't know. can you just... do boyfriend things?"

_like what?_

"i don't know that either."

_how about you take a shower, get dressed in something, then come over for a while. it's only been a few hours since you found out about your mom. you haven't had time to process it._

tyler whines a little bit before asking, "will you take a shower with me...? i don't--i know i've been... isolating myself, but i don't wanna be alone."

_yeah, of course._

you have to wash tyler's hair, back, and most of his body for him. you get the depression thing, so you aren't going to push him. you figure that, right now at least, the best thing for you to do is to just take care of him. that's part of being a good boyfriend, right?

you manage to talk, or to sign, him through getting dressed, before just taking him back to your own apartment. you'll have to leave in a few hours for work, since there's some big movie premiere scheduled for that night, but you figure he might enjoy not being stuck in his own room.

ashley's home when you arrive with tyler in tow, and you can see that she's about to make some sort of joke before getting a look at tyler's face.

_what happened to him?_

"my mom died."

"i... wasn't aware that you knew sign language."

"i'm dating josh; of course i do."

"true. uh. do you want some tea, or...?"

"i can make it myself," tyler responds. he detaches himself from your arm, and starts walking towards your kitchen, but ashley stops him.

"nope. i'm making it. what kind do you want?"

"mint."

"gotcha."

once she's out of tyler's line of view, he drags you over to your couch, and makes you sit (or lay) down first so he can lay with his head and one of his hands on your chest. "i'll have to go back to columbus for the funeral. you wanna come with, or...?"

"i don't th-think i c-can take anym-m-more t-time off w-work."

"family death?"

"i didn't th-think your family liked m-me _that_ m-much...?"

"they fuckin' love you." tyler's words seem enthusiastic, but his tone betrays him. "you're part of our family. or i hope you are, at least."

"i'll talk to m-my b-boss. he l-likes m-me, so i m-might be able to t-take a bit m-more time off."

"you don't gotta." tyler adjusts his position, and breathes deeply.

"course i do. i w-wanna b-be there to s-su-support you."

tyler kisses your adam's apple, and you try not to laugh since his stubble made it tickle. "love you. a lot."

"love you too, ty."

"have you ever lost anyone before?" he asks almost silently.

"a f-few. lost a f-friend t-to su-suic-cide in high sch-school, and m-mom had a m-misc-carriage a b-bit b-bef-fore i m-moved out."

"how does a miscarriage count...?"

"s'too long f'me t-to explain. sit up."

tyler silently obeys. you sit up too.

_it was about seven months into the pregnancy when it happened. the pregnancy itself was an accident, but her and dad were excited for another baby nonetheless. we all were, honestly. jordan and i went out one day with her to go shopping for baby things, and i can't really remember a whole lot, but she kinda just... i dunno. we had to take mom to an emergency room, and the baby just... it wasn't alive? we had an actual funeral, and things were pretty rough for a while. it's been ten years, though. they were gonna name him jeremiah to follow the 'j' theme with the boys in our family._

"m'sorry about that." tyler leans forward and gives you a hug that you return instantly.

"s'cool. 'm over it."


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pete's not with patrick in this fic just saying  
> i let my joetrick loving heart take over  
> though i didnt specifically say joe  
> but listen . joetrick.

"um. p-p-patrick?" _one day. i just want one day where i don't stutter._

your boss looks up at you from his desk chair in his office. "yeah?" he's a nice guy, and you really like having him for a boss.

"m-m-my, uh... my b-b-boyfriend's m-mother died. i k-kinda n-need to take more time off."

you get an even, mostly blank look in response. "you've already taken a week off since november."

"family death doesn't count?"

"it does, obviously. how much time do you need off?"

"a f-few weeks. funeral stuff, 'nd i gotta be there for him."

"how much do you usually make in two weeks?" his face is sympathetic.

"a b-bit over two gr-grand."

"alright, how about i give you your pay check early, and you take a few weeks off to be with your boyfriend?"

"you sure?"

"yeah, of course. my partner's mother died about a year ago, so i can really empathize. go be with your boyfriend, alright?" he says all that as he's writing out a check to you, and you almost start crying out of gratitude on the spot.

-

instead of going home, you go to tyler's apartment. he's supposed to be packing for another trip to columbus, but you know better than to believe he's actually doing that. of course, you're right. he's laying on his couch, watching some movie dubbed in arabic, and sniffling as he wraps a blanket around himself.

onix is laying on the arm of his couch, thwacking tyler in the head once in a while with his tail. tyler looks so small, and like you said at an earlier point, he just looks defeated. he doesn't even greet you when you walk in

you take your boots off and set them by where tyler keeps his shoes, and you set your coat down on his coffee table before lifting his legs a bit to sit on the couch. onix hops up onto the back of the couch, and stalks over until he can sit on your shoulders. he licks your hair, and grooms it while you start talking to tyler.

"you need to get d-dressed and p-packed."

"what? you my _alab_ now?" he rolls his eyes.

_"īe, watashi wa dikku jissai ni subayaku ni naru koto ga dekimasu."_ **_(no, but i can turn into a dick real quick.)_ **

"what?" he looks at you and frowns.

_i said 'no, but i can turn into a dick real quick.'_

"i wanna sleep."

"w-we're leaving t-t-tom-tomorrow. p-please d-don't argue with m-me."

"can you at least help?"

you nod. _yeah. what all do you need to pack?_

"enough clothes for two weeks, shampoo and conditioner, my prescriptions, my laptop, chargers, uh... i need to find onix's kennel because brendon's in los angeles doing youtube stuff, and i think dallon's in vancouver for business stuff and i don't really trust ashley in my apartment yet, so onix is coming with us."

_is your dad okay with onix coming?_

"he's a pushover. he wouldn't complain either way. i imagine onix is probably going to cling to you while we're there."

_it's cool. i need to go home to pack after you're packed, but, uh, can i come back over?_

tyler nods. "yeah. onix gets butthurt whenever you leave."

"really?"

"he loves you, dude."

-

you bring your things over to tyler's apartment once you're packed. you clean his room for him, before the two of you crawl into his bed to sleep for the night. onix curls up by your feet, and bites them whenever you move.

tyler lays on his stomach and cries into his pillow for most of the night, so you just lay with him, trying your best to comfort him without words. onix ends up laying on tyler's back, kneading and purring, as if to try and comfort him as well.

he's vulnerable and delicately small right now, and it reminds you that he's four and a half years younger than you. it's weird. he's still so young, and has so much shit that he still needs to go through, and things to learn. you're going to be thirty in a few years, and when that happens, he'll only be twenty five.

you sleep for a few hours before your alarm is going off. tyler's already awake, and has coffee plus mcdonald's set out for you. tyler's acting a little suspicious as you sip your coffee and eat your breakfast burrito. you crack, and ask him why he's being weird.

"can i ask how serious our relationship are?"

"is."

"listen. it's early and my english sucks."

_i'm teasing, tyler. i'd like to think it's pretty serious._

"what kind of serious?"

 _serious as in if i picture my future at any point in time, it's not a stretch to say you're there with me. i don't get into relationships if i'm not going to take them seriously. you're still young, though, so i get it if you aren't_ that _committed._

"i'm that committed. i wouldn't have introduced you to my family if i wasn't. you're the first person i've ever introduced to them. and the first person i've ever _truly_ loved. i just wanted to know, because there's a lot of shit going on right now and i'm afraid you're gonna leave."

you frown and shake your head. _i wouldn't do that to you. you've been around to deal with my problems, and you haven't once shown any signs of wanting to leave, or second guessing, and now isn't gonna be the time that i start second guessing._

"thank you. i just--look--my depression is getting bad again, and i need support."

you reach across the table to take his hands in yours "i'm here. i d-don't know how m-m-much of a help i'll be, but i'll at least h-hug you s-somet-t-times."

"full disclosure, but i'm--i'm kind of hard to deal with."

"s'okay. i g-got you."

"i love you so fucking much, josh."

you smile.


	40. Chapter 40

onix immediately climbs up josh's body to sit on his shoulders. josh doesn't even seem surprised or alarmed. zack just stares in shock. "that cat... is such a little asshole, but he likes your boyfriend."

you shrug. "josh is very lovable."

zack huffs. your dad walks into the living room after that, and sits down in his armchair with a glass of scotch in his hand. he doesn't drink often, but this is a worthy occasion. josh slowly sits next to you on the couch, as to not drop onix, or knock him off.

maddy leans on your shoulder, and holds your hand. josh holds your other hand. jay is laying on the floor in front of the fireplace, eating cheetos and staring at the ceiling, and zack is sitting cross-legged next to him, eating canned pineapple.

the funeral was a few hours ago, and everyone is kind of just numb. her chair that she usually sat in hasn't been touched once since you've gotten there.

your dad starts speaking in arabic at some point, and you translate via sign language to josh.

_mom left an inheritance to each of her children. uh. it's--kind of a lot. she wasn't expecting to go so soon of course, but... yeah. uh. dad needs help with house things._

_how much?_

_it would literally take me a decade to make enough money to even be near the amount she left for each of us individually._

_oh._

_dad's gonna go to bed after he finishes his glass of scotch, and zack just said he's gonna spend the night. i dunno about jay, but he's probably gonna just go to his condo and sleep. also this is a me thing, but can we go to your parent's house? i don't wanna be here right now._

_yeah, i'll need to call my mom, but she should be cool with it._

-

mrs. dun hugs you tightly the second she sees you. "tyler, i am so sorry about your mother."

"things happen. i'll get past it."

"well, dinner is just about ready, so why don't the three of you wash up?"

she acts as if onix is a person, and you love it. you'd brought him and his food with you and josh. onix refused to detach himself from josh, so bringing him was the only choice.

jordan is an awkward guy. you like him, and you get along with him. but back to the awkward--you're eating some japanese dish josh's dad had made, and the youngest dun in the household is chattering away, trying to fill the silence in the room.

he reminds you of josh in the way he does that. josh tends to sign rapidly rather than talk, but they're both nervous talkers.

at some point josh groans and scrubs his hands down his face, saying, "jordan, calm the f-fuck d-d-down."

he flips josh off and sticks his tongue out, causing you to giggle. "see? it worked. he's laughing."

onix meows from his place between you and josh, and everyone laughs. "you tryin' to join the conversation?" you look down at him, and he meows again.

-

josh picks the weirdest times to hit on you. you've only slept with him six times. sleeping with him is... weird. well, not really, but it doesn't happen too often, so you're never sure what to expect.

this time, you're on your stomach, looking at your phone. you're being a little intentional with how your butt is sticking up a little bit, and josh totally takes the bait.

your mother just died, but this is one of the rare occasions that he's both horny and wanting to have sex. he's got a hand on your ass, totally feeling you up, and trying to get you to kiss him. "ty, c'mon."

"i'm reading."

"you'e b-been st-st-staring a-at th-th-that-- _fuck_ \--you've... been staring... at that article... for tw-twenty m-m-minutes. without scrolling."

"what can i say? i'm interested."

you've got a few sensitive spots on your neck, and josh decides to start licking, kissing, nipping, and sucking at them with his mouth, which, of course, causes you to call him an ass and to give in.

after fooling around for a good half hour, you pull your usual routine of curling into josh's side while he runs one of his large hands through your hair.

"do you think we're ever gonna get married some day?" you ask, quietly, before you're getting ready to fall asleep.

"yeah. one day."

"i'll take your last name and be a total house wife."

josh chuckles softly and you can hear him shake his head at you. "how 'bout j-josh joseph?"

you snort. "god, no. tyler joseph-dun sounds better than josh joseph."

he laughs quietly, and rubs your back a bit. "you're right."

 


	41. Epilogue

josh moves into your apartment in march. ashley had moved in with her girlfriend, and josh didn't see the point in living alone when, for one thing, he had you, and for another, your apartment was bigger and slightly nicer. also, onix missed him like a mother fucker.

he's fun to live with. first off, he's constantly down to cuddle and to watch your favorite shows dubbed in arabic but with english subtitles, and secondly, you're so fricking in love with him.

you like waking up in the mornings to see his dumb cute face smushed into a pillow, with onix resting somewhere nearby. you like cooking with him in the evenings, then eating whatever concoction the two of you would come up with. (surprisingly, japanese and lebanese food makes an interesting yet not bad combination.)

josh ends up with a better job, like, a way better one, given his degree, and you won't ever dare tell this to him, but you're both surprised and glad that his stuttering hadn't held him back that time.

you start investing in the stock market with the inheritance your mother had left you, and you're successful, considering your best friend's fiancé is an even more successful stockbroker who is willing to point you in the right direction when it comes to investing.

-

"so, what's it like being thirty?"

he shrugs. "feels normal. still got a b-boyfriend who likes to lay on m-me all the time."

"really? i haven't noticed."

josh rolls his eyes at you and goes back to eating his dinner in peace. your nerves are running wild, and you almost throw up when you find yourself asking, "what's it like being proposed to?"

his eyebrows shoot up. "huh?"

"i said," you pull out a tiny box from your pocket, and slide it across your dining table, "what's it like being proposed to?"

"oh, you _asshole_." he gets up to walk towards the bedroom. onix follows him like a puppy, as usual. he steps back out with his own tiny box. "i was literally going to d-do th-that tom-m-morrow."

you weren't sure what you were going to do when this happened, but laughing and standing up to kiss josh gently, while asking, "are we engaged now?" seemed appropriate.

he grins stupidly, and the two of you take a few moments to slide rings onto ring fingers.

-

_"i'm glad i met you."_

_"i'm glad i met you too, josh."_


End file.
